Quite often clients tell me, “I just want to do it right.” Sometimes they mean right as in correct. Other times they mean right as in flawless. And quite often what I observice is that perfectionism is hiding behind the idea of “doing it right.”
Perfectionism can show up at work, in school, in parenting, in relationships, and in how people decorate their homes, organize their schedules, and scrutinize their bodies. On the surface, perfectionism can look like high standards, a strong work ethic, and ambition. These are qualities many high achievers strive for, however, what we don’t readily see is the fear that is often driving perfectionistic standards.
This fear can be the fear of making a mistake, the fear of letting others down, the fear of failure, or the fear of being seen as “less than.”
And often - chasing perfection
does not make us better.
It keeps us stuck.
“Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good” became a sort of mantra for me when I finally realized that the strive for perfection wasn’t 1) worth it, 2) humanly possible if I wanted to have any semblance of quality of life outside of my academic or work achievements.
As a “recovering perfectionist” my work as an anxiety specialist and psychologist finds me sharing space with children, teens, young adults and parents that remind me of who I used to be. I have first hand experience in understanding perfectionism. There is a huge difference between healthy perfectionism and unhealthy perfectionism.
In this blog I will walk you through the perfectionism cycle and what maintains the constant loop-de-loop and I will discuss evidence-based treatments that have been proven to help. I hope you find that the small, practical strategies I suggest help to loosen perfectionism’s grip.
Think about the last time you put something off because you wanted it to be just right. Maybe you were working on a report for your boss, redecorating a room, or picking out photos to post online. You told yourself you would finish it when you had the time and energy to make it perfect. Days or weeks later, it was still unfinished because the thought of doing it imperfectly felt too uncomfortable.
That is perfectionism at work.
At its core, perfectionism is the belief that you must meet extremely high or even impossible expectations in order to be worthy, accepted, or successful. These expectations can be for yourself, and sometimes for others, and they are usually paired with a harsh inner critic that is quick to point out any shortcoming. Unlike healthy striving, which can inspire growth, perfectionism ties your self-worth to your achievements. Even when you reach a goal, you may immediately raise the bar, leaving little room to feel satisfied or proud. Perfectionism often results in the idea that you will never quite measure up.
Perfectionism can show up in a lot of different ways. You might spend hours revising an email before sending it. You might avoid starting a new hobby because you know you won’t be very good right off the bat. You might feel devastated over a minor mistake. You might procrastinate until the last possible moment because the idea of starting feels too overwhelming. You might replay conversations in your head over and over to figure out what you “should” have said.
It sounds exhausting because it is.
Not all perfectionism is harmful. There is such a thing as healthy, or adaptive, perfectionism. This version is fueled by a genuine desire to grow, improve, or take pride in your work. When things don’t go as planned, you can adapt and keep moving forward. Mistakes are viewed as opportunities to learn rather than proof that you are not good enough. The standards are high but realistic. Most importantly, your sense of worth is not tied entirely to whether you meet those standards.
Picture an athlete who trains hard and sets ambitious goals. When they lose a game, they review what happened, learn from it, and get back to practice. They may feel disappointed, but the loss does not define them.
Unhealthy, or maladaptive, perfectionism looks very different. This type is driven more by fear than by motivation. It might be the fear of failing, the fear of being criticized, or the fear of being rejected. The standards are usually impossible to meet and the effort one puts in trying is not sustainable. Mistakes feel catastrophic. Your value as a person feels directly connected to whether you succeed. Over time, this constant pressure wears you down and can lead to anxiety, depression, burnout, and avoidance.
Imagine a student who panics at the thought of scoring less than 100 percent. Instead of taking a class that challenges and excites them, they choose something easier to protect their GPA. The fear of not being perfect ends up limiting what they are willing to try.
When perfectionism becomes unhealthy, it often follows a predictable loop. It looks something like this:
First, you set an unrealistic standard. You might expect yourself to perform flawlessly or to meet a deadline that is not realistic.
Second, you either overwork or avoid. Perfectionists often push themselves to the point of exhaustion or avoid starting altogether because the task feels so overwhelming.
Third, you experience either temporary relief or disappointment. If you meet the standard, you may feel better for a moment, but then you raise the bar and the cycle starts over. If you do not meet the standard, you feel immediate shame or disappointment.
Fourth, negative emotions take hold. Anxiety, guilt, frustration, and shame become regular companions.
Finally, you respond with more self-criticism and increased pressure. You tell yourself you have to work harder next time.
This loop can run in the background for years. Sometimes it is obvious, and other times it is so ingrained you do not even notice it until you are worn out and wondering why life feels so heavy.
Research by Dr. Paul Hewitt and Dr. Gordon Flett identifies three main types of perfectionism:
Socially prescribed perfectionism has been linked to the highest levels of distress, including anxiety, depression, and even suicidal thoughts. Studies have also shown that perfectionism is associated with procrastination, reduced creativity, and physical health problems like headaches and digestive issues due to chronic stress.
Despite these alarming connections between perfectionism and distress, we do know that treatment works. Randomized controlled trials have shown that cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), and self-compassion interventions all help reduce perfectionism and improve well-being.
There are proven, research-based treatments that can help you break out of the perfectionism cycle.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) targets both the perfectionistic thoughts and the behaviors that keep perfectionism alive. In CBT, you learn to challenge all-or-nothing thinking, test out what happens when you do not aim for perfection, and break patterns of avoidance or over-preparation. For example, you might send an email after reviewing it twice instead of ten times, just to see what happens.
Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) was originally developed for OCD but is very effective for perfectionism. ERP helps you practice tolerating mistakes or imperfections without rushing to fix them. For example, you might intentionally submit a report with one small, error and notice that nothing terrible happens.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) shifts the focus from controlling every detail to living according to your values. Instead of aiming for perfect, you learn to choose actions that align with what matters most to you. If your value is connection, you might invite friends over even if your home is not spotless.
Self-compassion training helps quiet the harsh inner critic. Research by Dr. Kristin Neff has shown that self-compassion lowers perfectionism and improves mental health. This involves mindfulness to notice when you are being self-critical, remembering that mistakes are part of being human, and speaking to yourself with the same kindness you would offer to a friend.
You do not have to wait until perfectionism is overwhelming to make changes. Here are a few ideas you can try right away:
If perfectionism is causing distress, limiting your opportunities, or interfering with your relationships, it is worth reaching out for support. It can also cause physical symptoms such as headaches, trouble sleeping, or ongoing fatigue. Therapy can help you identify the patterns keeping you stuck and give you tools to create a healthier relationship with achievement.
Perfectionism can look like motivation, but often it is fear in disguise. By challenging unrealistic standards, practicing self-compassion, and learning to embrace “good enough,” you create more space for joy, growth, and connection. Challenging perfection takes patience and practice, but the payoff is a life with more freedom.
Done is often better than perfect. The world needs your ideas, your presence, and your contributions. It does not need you to be flawless.
If you recognize yourself in what you have read and want support in loosening perfectionism’s grip, our team at the Houston Anxiety and Wellness Center can help. We specialize in using evidence-based approaches to help people find freedom from anxiety and perfectionism. Book a consultation today to learn how you can start living a fuller, more balanced life without letting perfect stand in your way.
Take a moment to see if perfectionism might be shaping your thoughts or behavior.
For each statement, ask yourself: Is this “Often,” “Sometimes,” or “Rarely” true for me?
If you answered “Often” to several statements:
This may be a sign that perfectionism is having a real impact on your life. You can start with small changes like setting a time limit for a task or intentionally letting something be “good enough” and seeing how it feels. If it feels like perfectionism is draining your joy or holding you back, consider reaching out to us at Houston Anxiety and Wellness Center for professional support.
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